Chapter 7: (夜的)第七章

这第7章，我想了很久，要怎么写。我是否还能用中文来表达我的情绪及情感。

因为疫情的关系大多都是呆在家里游手好闲，脑子里想的太多。今天刚刚妈妈生体不适，自己脑子里又在想”生命是如此的脆弱“。

用中文来写这章节，我有两个用意。第一，我觉得是时候试试看了。我的中文真的是太烂了。第二，我想把我最近的想法写下来。最近发生的事情，有太多闲人听闻。这些人中识中文的用一只手就算的过来，算是大题小做吧。

_________

去年的我刚刚得知前女友已经找到了新欢。一半的开心，另一半交杂着失落与愤怒，两半混浊不清，是一种难以描绘的的情绪。

愤怒 - 

三年前就觉得是首席竞争对手，当时唯一能让我安下心的是他并不单身。那段时间里自己就已经忐忑不定，也不知道到底在搞些什么。回看过去评论自己是常态，其实也没有什么用。还是不经意会想，当时如果没有继续追的话，是不是早点成全他们。三年的时光，算是买了一笔教训吧。

失落 - 

是因为发现在分手的第三天就投怀送抱，两个星期后转正。哇，好吧，我认了，失败了。这还不像歌里说的两个月，而是两个星期。确实，有一段时间我自己觉得我是不是活该。现在的我已经看淡了。

开心 - 

最近听说婚礼其实早定在今年6月，没能举办我为她感到不公。2020对所有人都不公平，希望一切好转以后她能够举办。这是一种炫耀，是希望所有人能见证的一刻。

以为屏蔽掉所有的社交网路，就能得到一些安抚。不能说完全没有帮助的，身边的朋友会在旁安抚，鼓励。只是共同朋友不少，有时候还是会说漏嘴，我当然也会猜的到吧。只能说，这些点点滴滴的信息，能勾起以前的回忆。而不幸的是，记起的是当时的失落，当时的无奈，自己的失败。以前的我不懂为什么要把别人拉黑，屏蔽任何关于‘他/她’的信息。我现在的懂了，这不是逃避，而是这些回忆并没有任何其他的价值。把它埋没，往前看，是最好的选择。

这人已经与我无关。

__________

我非常推荐Trevor Noah的Born a Crime。

我觉得虽然与他成长在不同的地方，却能与他的故事产生共鸣。总觉得好像哪里都是水土不服，自己也通过说话的腔调努力去克服任何种族障碍。他说：

    Racism teaches us that we are different because of the color of our skin. But because racism is stupid, it’s easily tricked. If you’re racist and you meet someone who doesn’t look like you, the fact that he can’t speak like you reinforces your racist preconceptions: He’s different, less intelligent. A brilliant scientist can come over the border from Mexico to live in America, but if he speaks in broken English, people say, “Eh, I don’t trust this guy.” 

    “But he’s a scientist.” 

    “In Mexican science, maybe. I don’t trust him.” 

    However, if the person who doesn’t look like you speaks like you, your brain short-circuits because your racism program has none of those instructions in the code. “Wait, wait,” your mind says, “the racism code says if he doesn’t look like me he isn’t like me, but the language code says if he speaks like me he...is like me? Something is off here. I can’t figure this out.”

 

中文解读是：

    种族主义说我们因为肤色的不同而不同。但种族主义者很蠢，很容易被骗。如果你是个种族主义者，你遇到一个和你长得不一样的人，恰巧他说话的方式和你也不一样，这只会加深你的种族偏见:他和我不一样，智商低。假设一个很厉害的科学家从墨西哥移民到美国，但他的英文说得磕磕巴巴，人们会说:“呃，我不相信他。” 

    “可是他是科学家啊。” 

    “墨西哥科学吧，我不相信他。” 

    但是，如果这个人和你长得不同，但是说话方式一样，你那植入了种族主义程序的大脑就会短路，不知道该如何处理此类代码。“等等，”你的大脑说，“种族主义的代码说，如果他长得不像我，那么他和我不同，但是语言代码又说他和我说一样的语言......所以他和我一样?什么地方不太对啊。我想不明白了。”

特别是疫情期间，这也是敏感时期。希望以后能变好。

__________

我一直希望我妈能够过的好。

好的定义千奇百怪，我把它定义为，她能开心，能快乐。生体健康。

__________

恭喜你找到新的工作。

__________

这玩意儿是我去年的动漫展上路过一家小店铺看到的。

我也不知道为什么把它买下来，当时已经没有任何悬念，买了也没摆出来。

做工倒不错，没差原版多少。

往前走

2020

P.S. 希望写的中文还能看得明白

不具名的悲伤

Dear ____,

This is a letter that I want to send to you. 

I'm not sending it to you because I do not want to engage with you more, or make you feel anything otherwise. Your words when we last spoke on the park bench rings in my head like a bell, constantly ringing... ringing... ringing.

There was something I wanted to recommend you called "Modern Love" on Amazon Prime. I just find it written so... well, so real. I just don't know if you are into things like a romantic drama or not. Maybe you do and just put on a strong face for it. You're a mystery in that sense, always with the thriller and horror recommendations. The closest to a romantic comedy would be The Farewell. I'm glad to hear the Q&A with the director.

I'm writing this letter because I think about you more than I want to. With the world being a crazy place now... I find myself wondering how you are doing. Yet, the chats don't really amount to anything. In that case, why start the conversation at all.

Truth be told, everything is a selfish decision. I'm phasing you out of my life, so I don't think about you. This is an one sided decision.

I look at this as a failure, I'm a fighter for sure. Yet in something like this, I find myself unable to convince even myself why and how to fight. I can't convince myself that this is going to work. Those bells are ringing again. It was a sure 100% done deal... and then there's me.

Still, never expected us to connect in a the way that we did, the one thing I did think about was that I wasn't putting up a front, like there was no filter for me. That... was strange for me.

I remember when you found a new job, I was really happy. Even after I found out you essentially had an internal recommendation. Congratulations were in order. It wasn't until the final elevator lobby that I had the strongest sense of dread. Nevertheless, I held back.

I am suddenly... at a loss for words.

This is... Halsey

If Selena's song was regret and loss, then today we are talking about anger, with a side of rage.

'Cross my heart, hope to die
To my lover, I'd never lie
He said "be true", I swear I'll try
In the end, it's him and I
He's out his head, I'm out my mind
We got that love, the crazy kind
I am his, and he is mine
In the end, it's him and I, him and I' - Him & I

This was released late 2017. The couple officially confirmed to be dating that September.
It was said for the song to evoke the myth of Bonnie and Clyde. While they say hindsight is 20/20, looking back at it, they certainly got it spot on.

Manic, Halsey's 3rd album released 17th Jan 2020.

It included singles released all the way back from 2018, "Without Me" and subsequent releases like "Graveyard". Curiously however, "Nightmare", the single released in May of 2019 was not included.

Collaborations galore throughout this album.

Today, we're talking about the last single that's released before the album drop:

You Should Be Sad - Halsey

'No, you're not half the man you think you are
And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars
I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you
Cause you can't love nothing unless there's something in it for you'

There's not much left to interpretation on how she feels about him.
This leads into the chorus:

'Oh, I feel so sorry, I feel so sad
I tried to help you, just made you mad
And I had no warning about who you are
I'm just glad I made it out without breaking down
And then ran so fucking far
That you would never ever touch me again
Won't see your alligator tears
Cause know I've had enough of them'

Everything is wrapped up in a country style, which I don't remember Halsey ever did. Of course the pantheon of country "Imma wreck his shit" genre that come to mind are "Before He Cheats" and "Picture to Burn". This is decidedly much darker.

'I'm gonna start this out by saying
I really meant well from the start
Take a broken man right in my hands
And then put back all his parts'

Compared to the previous song covered on this feature, it felt like the song was being sung to me.


I wish Halsey well. Saw she's dating Quicksilver now.

This is... Selena Gomez

I love artists when they bear their heart and soul out.

The on and off, Ross and Rachel of the pop world, Justin and Selena.

'In time, ink lines
Bitches couldn't get on my incline
World tours, it's mine
Ten little letters on a big sign
Justin Bieber
You know I'mma hit 'em with the ether
Buns out, weiner
But I gotta keep an eye out for Selener' - Beauty and a Beat ft. Nicki Minaj.

That was Nicki Minaj rapping in a Justin song, no doubt it was well known that this was going on.
Subsequently, songs like "Sorry" and "What Do You Mean" are all reflections on what is happening at that point.

Selena did release songs.
Her album Revival in 2015 did not have any songs that addresses Justin specifically (maybe Same Old Love?).
She continued to release singles that are collaborations with other artists throughout the years.

Then in 2018, it was reported that they split in March.
6 months later, Justin and Hailey Baldwin obtained a marriage license.
Selena laid low for that year, one song "Back to You" from 13 Reasons Why.

She returned in 2019.
The first single off her 2020 album Rare, released October 23rd 2019...

Lose You To Love Me

'I gave my all and they all know it
Then you tore me down and now it's showing
In two months, you replaced us
Like it was easy
Made me think I deserved it
In the thick of healing, yeah'

In the making of video, she notes:
"I think it's cool to... see what music has been, cause I did this a year ago."

'To love love yeah
To love love yeah
To love yeah'

She released two songs that day, this one looking at the past.
The other called "Look At Her Now", spoke about strength, recovery, a rebirth.

'And now the chapter is closed and done
...
And now it's goodbye
It's goodbye for us'

These two songs represent a closing statement.
Everything that needed to be said, has been said.

Everything from here onwards, is the rest of Rare.

The Farewell: a comedy?

This was spurred by a best friend of mine exclaiming to me that Awkwafina won the Best Actress by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy. In his words... "Why is this film a comedy?!"

Let's ignore the fact that the nominations are actually submitted, and hence could be "decided" (see also: gamed) for the maximum chances of winning.
Side note: going up against Saoirse (sur-sha) Ronan or Scarlett Johansson is daunting to say the least.

I have noted that out of the times that I've been to see this movie, there were scenes that elicit different emotions from the audience.

Minor spoilers
The funeral home scene to me stood out.

There was a juxtaposition between the end of the last scene, with the mother saying that they employed people who cry... straight cut to a woman crying extremely loud and tearful in front of a funeral in progress. Seemingly to showcase the absurdity of the situation.
People laughed.

Then...
People laughed at the family burning paper iPhones, credit cards, cash.
People laughed at the peeling of the fruits, the opening of the chip bags, the idea that ancestors can't peel themselves in their corporeal form.
(The directors' real grandfather btw)

Honestly, I was a little taken aback. I mean, I also chuckled at removing the petals from flowers to prevent thieves. I have done it myself, and honestly, didn't think too much of it. It was until I saw some people taking the flowers and food from a grave. They picked out the good looking stalks, and then walked to the entrance of the funeral home to add to their existing flower bouquet.
Those... were for sale of course.

I stopped my chuckle. This... well.

The Farewell is, to me... a drama written and shot like a comedy.
While what's on screen is comedic, the events that trigger your own emotions is... drama.
That's easier to digest for people, and for repeated viewings. Pulling punches if you will.
Still, I don't see the fault in that, the film provides an interesting premise, and delivers.
They are designed as an escape, an outlet.

I wrote more about this film here.

This quote keeps floating back to me:
“你把生命看成是个体的。这正是西方和东方文化差异的问题。
东方人是把生命看作为集体的。家庭，社会。”

"You think one's life belongs to oneself. But that's the difference between the East and the West.
In the East, a person's life is part of a whole. Family, Society."

I think perhaps then... the hardest part for me, is to juggle between the two worlds. To be selfish... and be okay with it.

I do hope you find a balance as well.
______

P.S. While we are on this dramedy train, Fleabag is a good recommendation as well, more Brit dry wit, less ancestors.