Chapter 8.2: Anxiety

Anxiety.

I stopped my Instagram this year. Truth is, I didn't want to check up on people. I keep thinking if this is me running away in the umpteenth time. Yet, I know, if I didn't stop... the anxiety will creep up again.

This year, the first half of the year, I experienced insomnia for the second time. It was sobering, I honestly didn't think I would be suffering from that level of anxiety, all over well... things. First time was I had an interview the next day back when I first started looking for jobs.

This time though, it was completely different, I couldn't sleep for 2 days. I was getting worried, friends were getting worried.

[ When I told you I didn't experience the anxiety, I truthfully didn't. It did come quickly after. ]

______

For the next couple of months, I did a lot of mental exercises and focusing on the meditation, and reading up on books.

Specifically, the book on attachment theory was a great wake up call. Learnt a lot about the different stages and perspectives on people. Learnt about why people are the way they are, the cyclical cycle of avoidants and anxious personalities. What was toxic and what needed to be different.

Subreddits helped, looking at other people going through the same thing. It is helpful to know that you’re not alone.

[ I reached out to you to maintain a line of communication. ]

______

“But you have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain.”

- (Sex Education / Episode 8)

Chapter 8.1: Song

This year, I found a song that's... closer to the heart.

From Chapter 1... to now.

Older - Sasha Alex Sloan

The older I get, the more that I see

My parents aren't heroes, they're just like me

And loving is hard, it don't always work

You just try your best not to get hurt

I used to be mad but now I know

Sometimes it's better to let someone go

It just hadn't hit me yet

The older I get

I'm at that point where I understood why it happened.

That realization certainly hit me like a truck revisiting my relationships.

Bench

When he walked past them, their backs were turned against each other on the bench.

It was as if they were talking to imaginary people on either side. 

They weren’t talking, yet their expressions said everything. 

He sat down near them, purely out of necessity. There weren’t any other available benches to sit on. All of them were taken up by people wanting to enjoy the sun out. He needed somewhere to sit down and enjoy his bubble tea on the lake.

They turned to face each other. The boy started to communicate, to talk. More than his words his palms were open, waving ever so slightly. The girl listened, a pained expression on her. 

They were briefly interrupted by the commotion caused by one of the units with the low balcony nearby. Seems like everyone has invited everyone to come enjoy the weekend.

Minutes later, the girl rested her head on the boys shoulder. 

The boy wiped something from the corner of his eye. 

He got up and walked past them again, both of their eyes were red.

Playlist/播放列表: 5 Stages - Depression

Edit 7/17:

Added someone I found recently, JP Saxe.

Depression (沮丧)
Won't Even Start - David Choi
渐渐 - 赵薇
搞笑 - 罗志祥
Wish You Were Here - Avril Lavigne
失忆的金鱼 - 杨丞琳
Happier - Ed Sheeran
就让这首歌 - 张震岳
冰雨 - 刘德华
眼泪的名字 - 谢安琪
Consequences - Camila Cabello
참 쓰다 - Lee Ming Jung

A Little Bit Yours - JP Saxe

Everyone feels sad in their own way.
In that sense, you tend to gravitate to the songs that speak to you.

Youtube Playlist

Father / Son

Father's Day wasn't something that was in my lexicon for the longest time when I was young. These days it carries a little more weight, though it's not official celebrated.

There are two songs that remind me of dads in general. 1 in English, 1 in Chinese.

Cat Stevens - Father and Son

This song is in the perspective of a father giving his son some advice. 

I actually heard it first in Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2, at the end. 

Guardians Vol. 2 deals with family and what it means to be family. Lindsay Ellis has a great video essay here.

I couldn't really focus at the song at the end with my initial viewing, but the scene with the song was always very moving. As with the original soundtrack, I bought it and started listening to it.

Then again, this song never really got to me until more recently, after I talked more with my dad.

I think it's always going to be a complex relationship with fathers, be it the ones that are present, or the ones that aren't there.

“How can I try to explain?
'Cause when I do, he turns away again
It's always been the same, same old story 

From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away
I know, I have to go”

 “我要怎么尝试解释呢？
我一尝试，他又转身回避
一向来都是这样

从我能说话开始，我就被命令聆听
现在我知道有办法，我知道我会离开
我知道我必须离开“

李宗盛 - 新写的旧歌

这首歌是李宗盛2018年写的，我当然一直是李宗盛的粉丝。

这首歌并不像上面的一首吧，说的是李宗盛自己对他爸的眷恋，一点惋惜。说的他的故事，歌曲也不跟随普通的旋律定义。

“思念其实不是 不是这个歌的主题
我相信不只有我 在回忆时觉得吃力
两个男人 极有可能终其一生只是长得像而已
有幸运的 成为知己 有不幸的 只能是甲乙”

“Reminiscing is actually not the theme of this song
I believe it's not just me that find recollections draining
Between two men, it's extremely likely that the only thing you share is that you look alike
Lucky ones become confidants, unlucky ones are mere passersby”