Letters in my draft

I originally wrote this back in 2021. Looking back at it now, this pre-dated Past Lives (the movie) by 2 years.

_____ 

Hey, I do not know when I'll be sending this to you. We spoke about the 缘分, and all that thought on destiny and fate etc. The version that I was thinking of didn't really translate to fate, or destiny explicitly. 

The 缘分 I was thinking of was more of timing or coincidence, where two people are in a phase of their lives looking for something similar. If it is at this time that they meet, that would be the the luckiest thing to happen to the both of them. That was the 缘分 that I had in mind.

I used to think very naively about love, that there would only be one. Obviously as I went through life I found it to be not true, not true. Now I'm feeling that there are multiple ones and it would just be the person that lined up.

So having that connection where we meet each other and share that time together, is 缘分.

Happy Valentine's Day.

_____

Cat Power - Stay

Ramen

Sitting there after enjoying bowl of ramen with a beer. They both sat there in front of the noodle bar contented.

"So... show me the photos, where's the bling bling. I know for a fact that there's always an obligatory ring picture."

The engaged one took out the phone and after searching and swiping for a bit, produced a photo of the happy couple...

"Wow the ring looks great, that's a big rock"

The picture was of them happily smiling at the camera, no doubt somewhat staged, with her hands ever so slightly raised and in front, showing off the ring.

"Yeah, remember? I told you my mom gave it to me"

"She said take this... it may not have worked out for your dad and I, but I'm confident this will work out for you"

He couldn't even finish the sentence before the other one started bawling, the not cute or pretty kind of crying. The type that you just can't stop immediately, the happiness kind.

In the restaurant. In front of the noodle kitchen.

He just kept crying... and crying.

"Oh man, that hit hard... I guess, I'm one of the ones that can relate huh"

"I'm really happy for you, congratulations! You finally did it" 

He said... all the while trying to control himself and not make a scene.

Lion

Standing there in the room where the crowd had almost cleared up after an event. 

She recounted the troubles of trying to work through their differences, efforts. What he said, what she said, what he did, what she did, what he didn't do...

At first, she was still smiling, words laced with anger, sarcasms abound.

"I'm done". 

She said that with such confidence you almost believed her.

"So what's the plan then, with the kids?"

The smile faded. Her brows furrowed. She took a deep breath, looked away.

"He wants to fight for custody"

She said as her eyes started to well up.

"This would be my worst nightmare."

Pho

He look relaxed, sitting back in the chair.

"I mean, I went to the doctors and got the diagnosis, it wasn't great."

He pointed to his head area.

"Scheduled for more tests going forward."

He leaned forward... "well I wanted to get an opinion of someone who's on the other side of things..."

"Right, well, I mean, the first thing that you need to deal with... is the parents. And I'm all about problem solving right now"

His face shifted, a nervous twitch flashed briefly.

"My mom knows already, I called her right outside the hospital after the diagnosis..."

His words quickened, he wanted to get the next part out quickly, and almost a whisper...

"in tears... She was worried..."

A lump formed in my throat, I knew I needed to be positive, to look on the more pragmatic, more practical side of things.

"Of course she is, same with me, parents and their children. Ha."

_____

田馥甄 - 妳

Bench

When he walked past them, their backs were turned against each other on the bench.

It was as if they were talking to imaginary people on either side. 

They weren’t talking, yet their expressions said everything. 

He sat down near them, purely out of necessity. There weren’t any other available benches to sit on. All of them were taken up by people wanting to enjoy the sun out. He needed somewhere to sit down and enjoy his bubble tea on the lake.

They turned to face each other. The boy started to communicate, to talk. More than his words his palms were open, waving ever so slightly. The girl listened, a pained expression on her. 

They were briefly interrupted by the commotion caused by one of the units with the low balcony nearby. Seems like everyone has invited everyone to come enjoy the weekend.

Minutes later, the girl rested her head on the boys shoulder. 

The boy wiped something from the corner of his eye. 

He got up and walked past them again, both of their eyes were red.

Lights

He set a direction in this GPS for home.

Wait, is there still light out? He looked at his watch, 8:30, there's still time perhaps.

Updating his destination, he started driving.

________

It was already very dark when he got there, almost.

He walked up the hill, he didn't expect there to be the overgrown trees, though to be fair the last time he was here was in winter.

At the spot where he took the last picture, this time there's more people, with drinks and music.

He misses the peace and quiet, but definitely not the cold.

Still, he found a spot and sat down. 

He had missed it. Though the city lights are starting to make up for it, a different scene than what he expected to see.

_________

Walking back down the hill, some mini fireworks started from up top. Seems like the people are compensating for the lack of real fireworks. The sound reflects from across the valley, seemingly doubling the amount that's actually there.

Heh. So many things running through his head.

Cake

He was crossing the road, warm day, picking up some groceries.

He saw her. Though, she looked disheveled, unsure of her surroundings. Not going to lie, he thought she was one of the homeless wanting some change.

Unconscious biases can be tricky to dismantle, as he walked past she reached out to him, trying to flag him down.

In that moment, he stopped playing his music.

"Hi, can you help me take a picture?"

"A picture?"

"Yes, a picture with my cake".

She started moving towards her belongings, among them a cake bought at the local grocery store.

"Sure, of course."

She gestured to give him the phone. He thought about the pandemic and how this person was an unknown... then he saw the words on the cake. It read... "Happy birthday"

"Yes I just want a picture with my cake, it's my birthday."

"It's your birthday? Wow, happy birthday!"

"Yes, can you please take a picture with me and the cake in it? Please make sure to get the words on the cake."

"Absolutely"

Fidgeting around with the phone, he took multiple pictures of her with the cake, making sure that she had copies in both portrait and landscape. 

"Well, I did what I could." He hands her the phone back.

"Thank you so much."

"Happy birthday again!" He walks away smiling to her, then sighed.

____________

If it wasn't for the current circumstances... would she have been standing alone in the street, asking a random stranger to take a photo of her with her cake?

Her name is Jenna.

Beach

He brought along one of those smaller beer cans, ones that could fit into a soda sleeve.

Despite it being a good sunny day, the wind was still blowing strong, doubly so where we are. The ice, now broken up into large pieces by the warming weather, is moving along with the current. Two birds stood on top of one of the pieces, seemingly enjoying the trip they are on.

"There are 3 women I've ever loved in my life."

"Yeah?" I took a sip from my own can.

"All of them different from each other, and I love them all with my heart"

"What changed?"

He looked away onto the lake. Deep in thought. The sunset was happening on the horizon, half obstructed by the giant structure to our right. I could see partially the beauty of it through the chimney stacks and steel walls, piecing it together with the reflection of it on the lake.

There was suddenly beams of light coming towards us. How the police manage to drive their car onto a walkway near the water will always allude me. I guess... very slowly?

I shifted my can behind my backpack. It's always the small details that give it away, and I was not planning to get a ticket.

"So... then are you still in contact with the other two?"

"No. No... Heck no."

"Why?"

"I wouldn't be able to control myself."

Ah.

Pomelo

 Looking out the window, people at the skating rink are leaving. It is getting late, isn't it.

A thought suddenly pops into his head... huh that's weird. Why is this thought suddenly coming up, and why is there an urge to speak it.

Throughout the night there's been a lot of conversations going on, a lot of talking, a lot of understanding and heartfelt feelings.

It's beginning to turn into a word vomit, like something you can't stop any longer.

He looked down at the bowl of pomelo, at the can of beer that's been consumed.

Rationally, there's absolutely no reason why this needs to come up now. There is a plan for everything... there's a plan.

____

What is a plan?

____

Heart pounding now.

He looked up, looks at her, and said: "I still like you."

Creek

 He walked with her, through the mud, to get to the small creek.

"Jump in"

"No you go"

There was a log nearby, they sat down. He took out a snack to eat. 

It was dry and it sucked up all of his saliva. He hurriedly took out the plastic bottle from his bag and chugged the water.

"I know of someone that recently broke up."

"Oh?"

"Yeah the person I was telling you about before"

"Right..."

"Maybe I should introduce you two, cause you're both now single"

He didn't know what to make of it.

Car

He sat in the car after driving 2 hours back at a Starbucks off the side of the highway.

Thoughts settled. He dialled up her phone.

The voice on the other end seemed despondent and confused.

"Why are you calling me?"

"I just got back, and wanted to talk to you."

There was silence, and then more silence and then the sobbing started.

"I promised I would call you when I got back."

...

"I didn't even know who this number was."

"I deleted you off my contacts list"

________________________________

遗憾的不是人，而是曾经承诺的。

就算承诺现在达到了，人也不在了。

怪要怪时间吧，计划赶不上变化。

Lunch

Sat down at a somewhat busy food court. He spoke while picking at his food.

He liked her, but he knows it's not enough. Not for a lifetime, he likes her. She loves him.
It's different.

"It's been a while since we last spoke. I know it is a shitty thing to say, but I'm going ahead with wanting a divorce."

"Did you think it through?"

It sure seems like that question is asked every time we meet.

"Yes, yes I'm sure."

Seems like everything is cyclical. He shifted his weight on the seat, leaning forward.

"This will break her, that I am sure of it. She loves me with all of her heart. But I need to be better to her."

He looked me straight in the eye as he said it. He has convinced himself that this is the best course of action.

He went on about his plan, how it will supposed to be the least disruptive.

"All I'm saying is... they know. They know that something is not right. Hell, I ..."
"Just... talk it though"

"We'll get there."

"Yep... yep."

Fountain

As summer came around, more and more people started congregating at the fountain.
Some of them are with dogs, well, those they need to.
Can’t expect the pets to pee in the apartments no?

The rest just sat around, there’s plenty of benches, tables with chairs. With books, they sit there with coffee on the table and a book in hand.
There is one with a weird keyboard contraption on his tablet.
Near the late part of summer, they started having plays at the fountain.
Plays, Shakespearean plays.

They have the costumes, they have the language, they have the grammar.

They have audience participation too. One of the actors came to the person at the front, and said “You are too young and too nice to bear the child of my blood, but thank you for offering”. I think... that's a complement?

It’s the commitment that impresses really. There is no stage, there is no place to hide, no curtains. The only place for refuge is a little tent that they have setup for costume changes or touch ups. Every movement, even not as the centre of the attention, is in character.

In that sense, grabbing the audience attention is also difficult. With no stage, there isn’t a centralized place to look towards. Attention is attracted by either the sound that starts the scene, or just straight up vocal volume. It’s great.

Initially just walking past the fountain, he stopped one day when he heard a busker sing. She sang well, he stopped... and sat down nearby.

In that moment, with the sun shining down through the shade. He heard this song for the first time.
“Bülow - Two Punks In Love”
She delivered it beautifully. He makes a mental note to download it later.

He went back every Saturday from that point on, sometimes he would be late, sometimes he would catch the last of the songs. He would sit there, and then enjoy the sun, enjoy the dogs that pass by, enjoy the breeze that comes through. Either listening to the busker, or listening to his songs on the phone.

Perhaps more importantly, enjoying the peacefulness.

Decisive

Sitting in front of a busy street, he recounted his various troubles.

He felt that maybe she just didn't get him. His work was a lot more demanding. And she, well she was not contributing at all, other than parenting.

He sat there, talking about it like a matter of fact. His emotion does not show, or at least not on his face.

It seems then, he has thought of everything.
He looks like he has thought a lot of this through, including the worst case scenario. Well, in my opinion worst case scenario, I'm not sure if he sees it that way.

"I just want you to know that you need to know exactly what you're getting yourself into."

He looks at me.

"There will come a time somewhere down the road where you will look back at this and go... Did I try everything? Did I make a mistake?"

"And when you haven't tried everything that you could. That's when the regrets come. But at that time, it will be too late."

"I just want you to be able to convince yourself... when the time comes."

He nods.

"Not if, when."

Lifetime

There he was, standing in front of the flower bouquet indoors. He held her hands in his, giggling as they try to complete the ceremony. Well, this was more ceremonial than anything, making it official I guess.

Surrounded by friends, they make the best of the situation. Every serious photo was followed by a not serious one. They do their best work when it’s a candid. Every now and then the friend tries to stir up some shit. “Be more sexy” He would say. “Think teletubbies!”

Before everything, he was confronted by his friend, he asked “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I’m sure”

“Alright, let’s do this”

As he tells it, “my feet are extremely warm”.

1 down. 3 to go.

KTV

He wanted to sing his heart out.

He went with his closest friends, he did not want a big crowd. In that case, well, people would be fighting for the mic wouldn't it.

He's got his song list, his list of emotions that he wanted to get out. I guess he could have done it at home. You could argue that it is not the same is it. The acoustics are amazing, the microphone is good, it's happy hour. What else could you ask for really.

Song selection is average, but most of the songs are there.

Between his songs, his friends would get in a song of their own.

In their words: "one English and then one Chinese". They didn't really keep to that, but you know, who's counting.

The third song...

He couldn't get to the second verse.

The lines were rolling on screen. He turned the singer back on, trying to maintain some sense of continuity.
我真的懂，你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有，陪在你身边当你寂寞时候

He tried again, and tried again.
我不难过，这不算什么
只是为什么，眼泪会流我也不懂

He failed. He just let the song play out. It's a good song too. Classic.

Park

He loves her with all of his heart. She does too.

He wonders about their differences, and if it meant that they shouldn't be together. He wanted to go out sometimes, she didn't. She did not like crowds. He was... whatever with it.

There would be frustration, compromises. He would get upset over social events, she would get upset over entertainment. They are still going strong though.

We sat down at a bench.

"Listen, I need you guys to fucking make it okay. You need to!"

"I don't think I will leave her. Not in a million years. If she asked me to..."

He paused, we looked out at the softball game that's going on.

The blue team is really bad at catching, they're making it up with hitting though. The green team is just average. The referee is taking it way too seriously though.

"If she asked me to, I would do it..., but I'll probably end up like you."

Ha, jackass.

"Well I don't think you have to worry about that, nobody ends up like me."

I pointed at him, did the "look at me" motion.

"Hey, you better try your fucking hardest."

He smirks.

"Yeah yeah"

Walking

He walked with her along the lake. It was a place that you could never really see unless you were authorized to. Seeing the cityscape, it was wonderful, it was beautiful, she is beautiful.

They walked and walked, through to the market.

As they walked through the market, she broke the news to him in front of a greek frozen yogurt store.

"Wow".

His brain started to consume and digest the news, he realized he had a lot of growing up to do.

He was scared. He was puzzled. He is determined.

From that point on, everything was different.

Travelling

He flew constantly to meet her.

In these long distance relationships, maybe each of them enjoys the freedom of being free.
Then the feeling of being wanted is amplified in the moment that they are together.

Yet, in the spirit of being free, some things get lost no matter what.

Complications. Betrayal. Things get tossed, arguments.

Yet, even till now, he says he can't bear to listen to music that they enjoy together.

"I have it in my phone like right now." He taps his phone that's on the table, to make his point.

"I just can't press the play button, I can't listen to it. It reminds me too much."

I nodded. I didn't have any words to offer him. Stuck, it seems.

Dessert

He has never been good at cooking.

Learnt a new recipe, he decided to try to make it again himself.

He bought mascarpone, he bought eggs, he got the kahlua, he has the savoiardi.

What the fudge is mascarpone, he thought to himself. Well he bought it.

Taking out the hand blender from behind the cupboard, to be honest he has not used it ever before. Though, he sure as shit am not going to beat the eggs by hand.

Combining ingredients, he carefully layers on all of the items.

The one thing he did not take into account. The eggs were almost expired.

Oh no, he messed up. He messed up big time.

He found another recipe sometime later.
It was different enough to give him hope. The best part of it all, no eggs.

He thought he did a good job. He was still afraid though.
That kind of reputation hit, not sure it can be rebuilt. He offered, but to no avail.

Recounting now, he smiles to himself, what a klutz.

Haha. Let's stick to professionally prepared foods from now on.