我不是流言 不能猜测你疯狂的游戏 需要谁准许别人怎么说 我都不介意我爱不爱你 日久见人心
下雨只不过 有谁为你刚哭过孤独只不过 一人走一段缓坡成熟只不过 等一切都不假思索心偶尔执着 在过于喧嚣的场所
我好吗 有谁能倾听 有谁会同情独自等雨过天晴 等不回当时 拥抱的激情我很好 说给昨天听 跟今天一言为定换一张明天的风景 自己和自己同行
我好吗 - 梁静茹
He look relaxed, sitting back in the chair.
"I mean, I went to the doctors and got the diagnosis, it wasn't great."
He pointed to his head area.
"Scheduled for more tests going forward."
He leaned forward... "well I wanted to get an opinion of someone who's on the other side of things..."
"Right, well, I mean, the first thing that you need to deal with... is the parents. And I'm all about problem solving right now"
His face shifted, a nervous twitch flashed briefly.
"My mom knows already, I called her right outside the hospital after the diagnosis..."
His words quickened, he wanted to get the next part out quickly, and almost a whisper...
"in tears... She was worried..."
A lump formed in my throat, I knew I needed to be positive, to look on the more pragmatic, more practical side of things.
"Of course she is, same with me, parents and their children. Ha."
_____
I moved.
It's exhausting as all hell and extremely taxing on myself. Moving while during a pandemic doubles that exhaustion. I do appreciate the help that I’ve gotten from friends and family. Though I’ll definitely be looking at movers if I’d ever do it again.
I’m still picking up the pieces of this new place. These last couple of months were me going through and reporting issues with the place. Then waiting for the tradesmen to come and fix these issues. After months of fixing, I finally can say now that I’ve moved in.
Just don’t ask me about the furniture just yet, it’s definitely not complete.
_______
I’m glad I moved. There were issues surrounding the place that I used to occupy, some physical, but more so realizing that it’s never complete to move (on) without moving. Memories, or the fact that I stare out that window and realize that some buildings at the balcony I’d never want to see again.
Realistically, the biggest thing going for it was that it was dirt cheap and came with the parking spot. I was thankful for it, but eventually the cons outgrew the pros.
I needed to get out of there.
________
Getting hit by a car wasn’t really on my to-do-list this year, yet I did check it off. I certainly didn’t want it to happen, and realizing the limitations of the insurance system made me shake my head in disgust. Note: you don’t have more protection as a pedestrian vs being in a car-to-car accident. The protections are the same, it’s infuriating.
Yet I took my lumps and moved on.
________
Anxiety.
I stopped my Instagram this year. Truth is, I didn't want to check up on people. I keep thinking if this is me running away in the umpteenth time. Yet, I know, if I didn't stop... the anxiety will creep up again.
This year, the first half of the year, I experienced insomnia for the second time. It was sobering, I honestly didn't think I would be suffering from that level of anxiety, all over well... things. First time was I had an interview the next day back when I first started looking for jobs.
This time though, it was completely different, I couldn't sleep for 2 days. I was getting worried, friends were getting worried.
[ When I told you I didn't experience the anxiety, I truthfully didn't. It did come quickly after. ]
______
Specifically, the book on attachment theory was a great wake up call. Learnt a lot about the different stages and perspectives on people. Learnt about why people are the way they are, the cyclical cycle of avoidants and anxious personalities. What was toxic and what needed to be different.
Subreddits helped, looking at other people going through the same thing. It is helpful to know that you’re not alone.
______
“But you have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain.”