Chapter 8.3: Moving (on)

I moved.

It's exhausting as all hell and extremely taxing on myself. Moving while during a pandemic doubles that exhaustion. I do appreciate the help that I’ve gotten from friends and family. Though I’ll definitely be looking at movers if I’d ever do it again.

I’m still picking up the pieces of this new place. These last couple of months were me going through and reporting issues with the place. Then waiting for the tradesmen to come and fix these issues. After months of fixing, I finally can say now that I’ve moved in. 

Just don’t ask me about the furniture just yet, it’s definitely not complete.

_______

I’m glad I moved. There were issues surrounding the place that I used to occupy, some physical, but more so realizing that it’s never complete to move (on) without moving. Memories, or the fact that I stare out that window and realize that some buildings at the balcony I’d never want to see again.

Realistically, the biggest thing going for it was that it was dirt cheap and came with the parking spot. I was thankful for it, but eventually the cons outgrew the pros.

I needed to get out of there.

________

Getting hit by a car wasn’t really on my to-do-list this year, yet I did check it off. I certainly didn’t want it to happen, and realizing the limitations of the insurance system made me shake my head in disgust. Note: you don’t have more protection as a pedestrian vs being in a car-to-car accident. The protections are the same, it’s infuriating.

Yet I took my lumps and moved on.

________

Chapter 8.2: Anxiety

Anxiety.

I stopped my Instagram this year. Truth is, I didn't want to check up on people. I keep thinking if this is me running away in the umpteenth time. Yet, I know, if I didn't stop... the anxiety will creep up again.

This year, the first half of the year, I experienced insomnia for the second time. It was sobering, I honestly didn't think I would be suffering from that level of anxiety, all over well... things. First time was I had an interview the next day back when I first started looking for jobs.

This time though, it was completely different, I couldn't sleep for 2 days. I was getting worried, friends were getting worried.

[ When I told you I didn't experience the anxiety, I truthfully didn't. It did come quickly after. ]

______

For the next couple of months, I did a lot of mental exercises and focusing on the meditation, and reading up on books.

Specifically, the book on attachment theory was a great wake up call. Learnt a lot about the different stages and perspectives on people. Learnt about why people are the way they are, the cyclical cycle of avoidants and anxious personalities. What was toxic and what needed to be different.

Subreddits helped, looking at other people going through the same thing. It is helpful to know that you’re not alone.

______

“But you have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain.”

- (Sex Education / Episode 8)

Chapter 8.1: Song

This year, I found a song that's... closer to the heart.

From Chapter 1... to now.

Older - Sasha Alex Sloan

The older I get, the more that I see

My parents aren't heroes, they're just like me

And loving is hard, it don't always work

You just try your best not to get hurt

I used to be mad but now I know

Sometimes it's better to let someone go

It just hadn't hit me yet

The older I get

I'm at that point where I understood why it happened.

That realization certainly hit me like a truck revisiting my relationships.

Chapter 7: (夜的)第七章

这第7章，我想了很久，要怎么写。我是否还能用中文来表达我的情绪及情感。

因为疫情的关系大多都是呆在家里游手好闲，脑子里想的太多。今天刚刚妈妈生体不适，自己脑子里又在想”生命是如此的脆弱“。

用中文来写这章节，我有两个用意。第一，我觉得是时候试试看了。我的中文真的是太烂了。第二，我想把我最近的想法写下来。最近发生的事情，有太多闲人听闻。这些人中识中文的用一只手就算的过来，算是大题小做吧。

_________

去年的我刚刚得知前女友已经找到了新欢。一半的开心，另一半交杂着失落与愤怒，两半混浊不清，是一种难以描绘的的情绪。

愤怒 - 

三年前就觉得是首席竞争对手，当时唯一能让我安下心的是他并不单身。那段时间里自己就已经忐忑不定，也不知道到底在搞些什么。回看过去评论自己是常态，其实也没有什么用。还是不经意会想，当时如果没有继续追的话，是不是早点成全他们。三年的时光，算是买了一笔教训吧。

失落 - 

是因为发现在分手的第三天就投怀送抱，两个星期后转正。哇，好吧，我认了，失败了。这还不像歌里说的两个月，而是两个星期。确实，有一段时间我自己觉得我是不是活该。现在的我已经看淡了。

开心 - 

最近听说婚礼其实早定在今年6月，没能举办我为她感到不公。2020对所有人都不公平，希望一切好转以后她能够举办。这是一种炫耀，是希望所有人能见证的一刻。

以为屏蔽掉所有的社交网路，就能得到一些安抚。不能说完全没有帮助的，身边的朋友会在旁安抚，鼓励。只是共同朋友不少，有时候还是会说漏嘴，我当然也会猜的到吧。只能说，这些点点滴滴的信息，能勾起以前的回忆。而不幸的是，记起的是当时的失落，当时的无奈，自己的失败。以前的我不懂为什么要把别人拉黑，屏蔽任何关于‘他/她’的信息。我现在的懂了，这不是逃避，而是这些回忆并没有任何其他的价值。把它埋没，往前看，是最好的选择。

这人已经与我无关。

__________

我非常推荐Trevor Noah的Born a Crime。

我觉得虽然与他成长在不同的地方，却能与他的故事产生共鸣。总觉得好像哪里都是水土不服，自己也通过说话的腔调努力去克服任何种族障碍。他说：

    Racism teaches us that we are different because of the color of our skin. But because racism is stupid, it’s easily tricked. If you’re racist and you meet someone who doesn’t look like you, the fact that he can’t speak like you reinforces your racist preconceptions: He’s different, less intelligent. A brilliant scientist can come over the border from Mexico to live in America, but if he speaks in broken English, people say, “Eh, I don’t trust this guy.” 

    “But he’s a scientist.” 

    “In Mexican science, maybe. I don’t trust him.” 

    However, if the person who doesn’t look like you speaks like you, your brain short-circuits because your racism program has none of those instructions in the code. “Wait, wait,” your mind says, “the racism code says if he doesn’t look like me he isn’t like me, but the language code says if he speaks like me he...is like me? Something is off here. I can’t figure this out.”

 

中文解读是：

    种族主义说我们因为肤色的不同而不同。但种族主义者很蠢，很容易被骗。如果你是个种族主义者，你遇到一个和你长得不一样的人，恰巧他说话的方式和你也不一样，这只会加深你的种族偏见:他和我不一样，智商低。假设一个很厉害的科学家从墨西哥移民到美国，但他的英文说得磕磕巴巴，人们会说:“呃，我不相信他。” 

    “可是他是科学家啊。” 

    “墨西哥科学吧，我不相信他。” 

    但是，如果这个人和你长得不同，但是说话方式一样，你那植入了种族主义程序的大脑就会短路，不知道该如何处理此类代码。“等等，”你的大脑说，“种族主义的代码说，如果他长得不像我，那么他和我不同，但是语言代码又说他和我说一样的语言......所以他和我一样?什么地方不太对啊。我想不明白了。”

特别是疫情期间，这也是敏感时期。希望以后能变好。

__________

我一直希望我妈能够过的好。

好的定义千奇百怪，我把它定义为，她能开心，能快乐。生体健康。

__________

恭喜你找到新的工作。

__________

这玩意儿是我去年的动漫展上路过一家小店铺看到的。

我也不知道为什么把它买下来，当时已经没有任何悬念，买了也没摆出来。

做工倒不错，没差原版多少。

往前走

2020

P.S. 希望写的中文还能看得明白

Chapter 6: 30.6

They say passing 30 is like a big milestone. The proof that you've moved onto the bigger challenges in life.

These days I call it adulting.

I'm laughing at my younger self now. Calling it the "end" of something. He wasn't wrong, yet he didn't cover everything.

Now, especially now, as I spent more time sorting through my emotions, it's become somewhat clear that I need to write this to clear my head. The last chapter was 9 years ago. It has been a long time.

I never really ever set a goal for myself when you hit the big three-o. I was always on the track of you'll figure it out when you do. These days, well a lot of my friends are getting married, having kids, taking care of them. I'm here wondering if my life experiences could match up with everything they were doing.
___________

My other grandma passed away last year. Her 90th year. She was the same zodiac as me, Dragon. 60 years apart. She was the one in Shanghai. The one I couldn't really leave behind, and yet I did. My memories of Shanghai, the time when I was young, was completely with her.

From what I remember, she single handedly brought up my dad and his four other siblings. My grandpa died when my dad was in his teens. Everything from that point onward she raised them all by herself. I have scant memories of the old place they used to live at before the siblings got married one by one. It was cramped. Traditional one big room, and because it was a big family, they had... I guess what I would call them would be "bunkbeds" that are on top of the kitchen area. As time went on and everyone started moving out, it was decided that my grandma would move in with us. I think it is because of me being the only male born son in the family (and because of the one child policy).

I really have fond memories of her. She didn't receive any education when she was young, so she couldn't read. She couldn't speak Mandarin Chinese either. It was only Shanghainese (specifically a particular variation of Shanghainese) that she could speak. She took care of me from birth really, and from what I can remember from other people, did clash with my mom on how to take care of me. I have to assume that this may be a rite of passage for all moms to go through.

My memories of her were she would always come to me with a smile on her face, with her fake teeth implants, asking me what I wanted to eat. I remember afternoons with her where I just "help" with making rice dumplings. I would try to get the leaves to make the rice dumpling shape for her. However, I would evidently always miss a spot with my small hands somewhere where the raw rice can leak out, causing her much annoyance.

I love eggs. When I was young, I love it when it is... I guess in English it would be over hard (crispy please!)? That was not the main attraction for me. It was the crispy egg white sides that were amazing to me. Even now, I don't think I can get to that level (or maybe I shouldn't?). Coupled with the amazing soy sauce (宴会酱油) I can eat that for days. FOR DAYS. I remember my grandma being super excited that I was enjoying her fried eggs that she burst out crying exclaiming how happy she was.

That... did not last long.

My grandma was heartbroken. She would continue to live at our old place, alone. I would see her only during June and December school holidays. This was still in the late 90s. I would want to get a laptop and use the internet, but of course in those days... it was dialup. She would get exceeding frustrated at me for hogging the phone line, and me at her for disrupting my download (Commandos Demo was a ~50MB download IIRC, that would take forever). Even more important than hogging the phone line, she would lament her phone bill. It was much much more than what she was used to.

The other change... was more drastic. My grandma took up religion. She became a devout christian. I actually do not remember how she got into it, but I do know why. She would ask me to pray with her, to pray that my parents would get back together. She would ask me to go to the Sunday mass with her. I was extremely uncooperative, in my mind it was ... something that was not going to happen. That or it took up time on my holiday. It would be a source of disagreements that I have with her.

That being said, I do appreciate her new faith. It led her to start reading, actually reading. At 70 years old, being a completely uneducated farmer, she read the bible, page by page. It was tough, but she persevered. She would ask whomever was around for help when she didn't know how to read a character. It was difficult for me. All of my Chinese I learned in Singapore, and my grandma did not know how to pronounce words in Mandarin, only Shanghainese. I had to do some leaps in logic to help transition those words into the dialect. I did what I could.

There was a time when my mom and I were very much into puzzles. We did quite a bit of puzzles together, Disney ones, scenery ones. One day we were browsing the store and we found something interesting. It was a 1000 piece puzzle of the Last Supper. Completed the puzzle in three days, glued it up, framed it. My grandma was overjoyed when we presented her with the puzzle. It hung on her wall till the day she passed.

She moved around after we sold the place. That was an ordeal on its own. She first moved to one of the places that my aunt lived at. However, it was on the top floor of a 6 floor apartment, and there were no stairs. I remember she would try to climb the stairs and then tell me to go first, that she will be resting for a little bit. They ended up buying a place for her that had an elevator after I entered university.

It was here that I was taken aback with how much I reminisce about my younger more innocent/naive times. My grandma kept all of our old furniture. The dresser where she kept a lot of photos. Some of them me of my various trips back, some dating back to when I was younger with her. Photos of aunts and uncles weddings, of cousins sharing the time together. There was one that was bigger than the rest, it was the photo taken at the airport when I left for Singapore.

I remember the time when I got the call, my dad told me. She fell at home. Undergoing surgery, she had metal installed in her left leg. She was not the same as before. From that point on, she started losing cognitive function, she would forget people, forget names, forget. Cerebellar atrophy, that was the official name. It got worse and worse until remembering was the shorter period, and even that period got shorter and shorter. The family got her a maid, and did a really good job taking care of her.

I went back as much as I could. Then there was a period of time that I couldn't visit her, I couldn't go anywhere. I was praying, praying that I would be able to see her the next time I could fly. She pulled through, but she became bedridden. Everyday was assisted, solids became liquids, words became gibberish, and soon not talking at all. When I finally was able to visit 1.5 years later, I broke down. She had deteriorated to something I was not expecting.

The family moved her to emergency ward care. The maid came everyday. She would bring her the three meals, wipe her back, wipe the drool off of her mouth. When I'm in Shanghai, I would visit. I would talk to her, tell her what has been happening, to me, to my cousin. Tell her about my life, my work. Most times, I would say nothing, sitting there holding her hand. Every time I leave, I would tell my dad... take care of her.

Shortly after my trip, she was transferred to an old folks home in May. She couldn't stay at the hospital anymore. A couple days later, she passed away. My dad told me not to come back, I had been there just a month ago. My mind was a blank, that month was especially hard to go through.

I flew back for her funeral. Winter Solstice, it was the same time as my uncle who passed.
___________

Writing this look longer than I wanted to admit. This past year has been challenging to deal with.

My best friend is getting married in a month. I'm happy for him, truly truly am.

Listening to: 田馥甄 - 爱着爱着就永远

Chapter 5.3 End

Chapter 5.3

I'm fallen into a lull, I know what I want to write but... I don't really know how to go about doing it.

These days I've been meeting friends, doing chores, packing, meeting friends., learning to drive. I guess I want to make my life as productive as I can.

I was looking through the photos I've taken, well, those that I still have all these years. Pictures of places I've been, food I've eaten... and most importantly people I've met and loved.

It was then I realize just how fragile relationships can be, and no, I'm not even talking about love.

Friends that were with you a year ago might be accquaintances now. People that call you their "best friend" might not answer your messages. There are people who just fade out simply because of the distances between them and you. People move on, including me.

Regardless, I've made some shitty choices and in turn burnt a lot of bridges. Most of them was me being scared and running away from them, that was my defense mechnism from people that I couldn't face anymore.

For that, I'm sorry.


I like to think that I've done all I wanted to do, at least those I can think of.

Up the CN tower, watched a few Blue Jays games, watched one Raptors game, watched no leafs game, went to lakeshore, went to Eaton centre, stood outside the AGO, went to chinatown, went to koreantown (yonge & finch), laughed at the thought of going to the children's musuem.

Failed a course, 100 a course, 80 a course playing Pokemon in the back. Not paying a library fine for 2 years. Overnight in DC, overnight in MC.


I thank all my friends, my close friends, my accquaintances.



Tomorrow marks the start of something new. 5 chapters, 5 years.

See you guys on the other side.

Chapter 5.2

No I'm not a Singaporean citizen. I'm a permanent resident there. Yes, they have to serve as well.

In a book that I received as a gift for my birthday last year, in it a friend wrote:
"We all have secrets. Don't let yours ruin your life/enjoyment of life. Worst comes to worst, admit it to strangers!"

Later he also sent me something he had learned. He compared to me to bitter groud (苦瓜). It was considered to be a "gentlemen's vegetable"(君子菜) Because when cooked with other things the bitterness of the groud would not spread to others, it would remain with it.

At that time I didn't know whether to be happy or sad. I hadn't thought of it in this way until he send me that. It being my bottled up bitterness and the unwillingness to share it with others. The latter part was true, I didn't like to share my unhappy stories with people. There was no use getting other people down too, to labor them with another person's sorrow. So I want to make everyone happy, every single one of them around me to be happy. I don't think I'm a humorous person, so I do my best anyways. I hope over the years I have cheered up all of my friends at least once.

I'm a weird person. I don't like sharing but I like listening. I love listening to stories of people. Over the years I have witnessed happiness when talking about their other half, the sadness of disappointing family, the scared jobless, the confused over signals.

I've tried to help, tried to console, tried to make fun of him/her about their happy state ;). I feel happy that I helped them with something, feel happy that they are happy.

I like to think that I'm not a unhappy guy, and I still don't think I am, no matter how my friends say I am.

The years and my predicament have made me realize something, and it was something I kept telling my friends before I left.
Cherish what you have and fight for what you don't have. Especially relationships, friends, loved ones or otherwise.

That was ... hypocritical.

歌曲: 爱就对了 - S.H.E

TBC

Chapter 5.1

Was it supposed to end this way? I kept thinking to myself. I didn't know.

There was something I held to myself for quite a while. Quite a while it has been, ever since I started in the university I knew what I was going to do after I graduated. That long faraway period was foreign to me. "5 years later", that was what I've said to myself. I should try to enjoy university life as much as I can.

So I did. Over the past 5 years I've met some interesting people, people I liked, people I disliked, people I've absolutely hated, people I fell in love with.

I'm sorry to those people who asked about what I was going to do after I graduate. I didn't mean to lie. There was a part of me who refuses to believe it, yet the other part was slowly accepting it. Please forgive me if I've offended you.

I'll be in the Singaporean army the next 2 years.

Back for convocation though, wouldn't miss it for the world.

Will write more later. Right now, I'm sorting, both my emotions and my things.

歌: 三人游 - 方大同

Chapter 4: 21 on 21

I remember a very long time ago, when I just got to Singapore. There was this show on television that I would watch about a gas station. The gas station's daughter whom I believed was 16 in the show. She would often complain about not being able to do this or that. Money constraints, freedom constraints. Her dad would always reply with the same thing "wait till you're 21!" And she'll storm off.

At that time I wondered what I would be when I was 21, and how "magical" it would be. Granted I didn't understand what "money" constraints were, what "freedom's" I don't have. It was more of the idea that when I turned 21, everything would be much happier, or much easier.

I look back now and I could only smile and laugh at myself then.

I didn't understand why a lot of my friends were throwing lavish parties, renting places even to do that. And I just thought to myself, is turning 21 that big of a deal? I don't know, I just didn't feel it.

I was scared, really I was. And as I'm sitting here writing this, I had just recovered from a really bad headache that I had to take an half-day off work. The day before my 21st. No its definitely not the scare part, but definitely the being old part. But no, its not like when the clock passes 12, something dramatic is going to happen to your body, there isn't going to be mutation on your body that turns you into an adult (at least I hope not).

As I look back to all of the things that have happened around/to me, there were things that I took away from that I would possibly never forget.

There are things that you have to give up, but not want to.
You learn take what you can get.
Rule #33: Enjoy the little things

I don't have much to say either way. If there was one thing I realize, is that there isn't a lot of things that I can put in words. Experience, isn't something you get by reading.

很多事情.
过去的, 回味着, 错过的, 做错了.
走过的路, 吃过的饭, 说过的话, 交过的朋友, 爱过的人.
所恨的, 所爱的, 所恋的, 所谓的.


身活不会再那么平凡, 不会那么消遥自在. 责任不会变少.
这或许是21的意义.



3年前的18岁已是好久的事情了. 他们各自开心就好了啦:



从当初的"不想懂得"到现在的"开始懂了".

快乐是选择.
(Happiness, is a choice)

Chapter 2

A year and 2 months. Thats how long it took to be finally in control to losing control of everything in your life.

My grandma died. It wasn't the best farewell either. Cerebral hemorrhage, thats how it happened. Bruising of the brain, a vessel exploded. High blood pressure. I went back to see her in august, when it first happened. She was just lying there, just lying there, no movement, no words. Just lying there like she's taking a nap, well apart from all the life-sustaining equipment that was around her. Tubes in her mouth, needles on her hand. She couldn't even urinate. To see her like that, its ...

My relationship with my grandma isn't the greatest relationship in the world. Back when I was young, 6 years old, when I first got to Singapore. My grandma came along with me. My mother had gotten us both there. She mainly lived with my uncle. To her, it made perfect sense, that the son of her should take care of her. Granted, she was old fashioned.

She would come to me every sunday, with the bus. Then that day, she would spend the rest of the day helping out in the house. Even though we didn't want her to do anything, anything at all, just wanted her to sit there, relax. But she never listens. The laundry, the dishes, sometimes she even cooks. She's awesome.

There are times when we would argue, mainly for the little things that bothered us. My mum's the prime suspect here, though I remember at least once where I lost my temper. I can't remember exactly what happened, but the stubbornness in me stood outside the house for a whole 2 hours, all the while, my grandma was there.
Everytime she's here, she would tell me the exact same thing, "don't make your mum angry, she's hard at work already". We usually give her some money everytime, and that always amount to a "tug-of-war" between us and her. She would not take it, and I always found ways to do put it on her.

There were a couple of months, mainly during my primary school years that I actually lived at my uncle's house. Mum's gone back to shanghai to do business. It was a happy time for me, me, my cousin and grandma all together playing, reading, napping. Grandma was always timid, afraid of burglars in entering the house, telling us to keep quiet. I always wanted to do the opposite, to me, if I made loud noises, and the burglars would know that someone is at home, so they wouldn't come in and steal stuff. But as young as I was, I kept absolute silence. Until people outside the door would just leave, then we went back to what we were doing.
Later did I know, when she was young. her house was attacked by some burglars, and they took away her brother. She was hiding under the bed.

外婆的故事. 她和我说, 她出生在一个有钱家. 屋子很大很大, 厕所就有三个房间的大小. 一家四代住在一个屋檐下. 她上的是一所私立学校, 好像还是英文教学的. 只可惜因为日本侵入, 他们被迫逃到乡下去, 钱也被劫走了, 从此过着平庸的生活. 当了护士. 我也不知道是什么时候, 她无意中提起曾经是国名党. 对于历史感兴趣的我, 问她在那时混乱年代是怎么过得. 她没有回答, 只是脸上稍有哀愁... 好像有什么事情. 她只是一直说"不太记得了". 问了妈妈, 才知道原来她是国名党特务长的私人护士.... 我还真的没看出来.

Though, as the years went by, her body weakened, her visits became less and less, until the time where she called us and said, "I can't come over anymore." Every sunday from there on, I felt I was missing something.

As we grew up, what used to be a smiling face... wasn't smiling anymore. I heard a lot of stories, and truth be told, I wasn't too happy with how my grandma was living. I still remembered when we phoned home while I was in Canada. Grandma wanted to look at some photos of my cousin who came back from Australia, and before she could get to it. My cousin took it away, saying something along the lines of "you don't need to see this". Nevertheless, I remembered that she was so angry that she almost had a heart attack and broke down. All we could do here was to comfort her. That was the time I told myself that I should buy something for her with my first co-op term money. I still remembered the time when I told grandma that I was making money here. She was happy for me, she said "我的退休工资只有几百块钱, 而你第一个月的工资就一万多! 你要争气啊!" That year, I did send her a birthday card and I told my mum to pick a gift for her. We didn't make up our minds, and we just let it slide, and well, in the end I should be the one to be blamed. I always wanted to, but I didn't.

I wrote a card to her on my way back, back when I thought things weren't so bad. I wrote:
"Dear Grandma,
As I'm writing this, I'm on the plane to come visit you.
Li Nian Yan should already arrived. I will be there very very soon.
So please get well soon, we are all back. =)

小宇"

When I went back and finally we were back together, I told my cousin one thing. "Grandma cares about you, she watched you grow up, you're the one that she cares about the most." I know I wasn't lying. She is old-fashioned, the male carries on the family name. The next day, after the day I gave her the card, my cousin wrote a letter.

I regret not giving her anything. Its was all too late.

外婆
今天是外婆生日
我换上复古西装
载着外婆开着拉风的古董车兜兜兜风
车里放着她的最爱
找回属于是她的时年代
往大稻埋码头开去把所有和外公的往事静静回忆
外婆她脸上的涟漪
美丽但藏不住压抑
失去了爱情只盼望亲情
弥补回应
大人们以为出门之前桌上放六百就算是孝敬
一天到晚拼了命
赚钱少了关怀有什么意义
外婆她的期待
慢慢变成无奈
大人们始终不明白
她要的是陪伴
而不是六百块
比你给的还简单
外婆她的无奈
无法变成期待
只有爱才能够明白
走在淡水河衅
听着她的最爱
把温暖放回口袋

She passed away 26th November 2007, 5 days after my birthday. I woke up to find 7 missed calls from my mum. I knew instantly...

朱贞元 Born 27th February 1926.
My grandma was cremated, and buried next to my grandpa. Diabetes.

Rest in peace, Grandma.

Her favorite song:
东风破
一盏离愁孤灯伫立在窗口
我在门后假装你人还没走
旧地如重游月圆更寂寞
夜半清醒的烛火不忍苛责我
一壶漂泊浪迹天涯难入喉
你走之后酒暖回忆思念瘦
水向东流时间怎么偷
花开就一次成熟我却错过

谁在用琵琶弹奏一曲东风破
岁月在墙上剥落看见小时候
犹记得那年我们都还很年幼
而如今琴声幽幽我的等候你没听过
谁在用琵琶弹奏一曲东风破
枫叶将故事染色结局我看透
篱笆外的古道我牵着你走过
荒烟漫草的年头就连分手都很沉默
荒烟漫草的年头就连分手都



As for me, 2007 wasn't kind. Wasn't kind at all. Maybe I'll have an conclusion soon, waiting, waiting... on something

that might never come.

我发誓不再说谎了
多爱你就会抱你多紧的
我的微笑都假了
灵魂像飘浮着你在就好了

我发誓不让你等候
陪你做想做的无论什么
我越来越像贝壳
怕心被人触碰你回来那就好了

能重来那就好了

Prologue: Chapter 2

What do they call it? Winter Solstice (冬至) The longest night of the year...

My uncle died that day. According to my mum, its also the night that gravely sick people don't make it.

His funeral was today, i well, was unable to attend. I can only wish him well, and rest in peace.

祷告良辰歌by陶喆

祷告之时甘甜之时
使我离开烦恼之事
来到神的座前发表
所有意愿所有需要
当我遇到重压忧愁
我灵却常得着自由
不陷恶者所有布置
因为有你祷告之时
祷告之时甘甜之时
如有只翼载我愿辞
来她宝座向她求恳
她是信实她是全真
她既命我寻求她面
信阿话语靠她恩典
我要将我重担卸释
在于你前甘甜之时

Chapter 1

I would reckon that it is so hard to say whatever you feel, straight from your heart. I'm definitely not one of them. I wrote this after reading someone's blog:

Looking at someone else's life right now makes me feel like I'm looking at the reflection of myself, but more murderous and brutal. Looking at her life makes my life kiddish. Its weird how I could connect to someone that I don't even know, or talked to. It makes me want to get to know her. Or made me realize that behind the surface, there are things that she hides so deeply inside. Like me.

I don't talk to people about my parents, most people think they're happily married but working in two different countries. Only some of my closest friends know, and thats it. My mum doesn't want me to talk to people about these things. Its very uncommon in China I guess, and the year they did it makes it all seems one-of-a-kind.... in a bad way.
Some sparing memories remain, good times, bad times. When I was still small, our family would sleep together on the same bed and talk about things all night. Things changed, dad suddenly would not sleep on the same bed anymore, has his own in the dining room. He was moving up the corporate ladder, and moving away from mum and me. Then, things got out of hand. Quarrels, quarrels and more quarrels. Can't remember what they were arguing about...

Truth is, from the first day that my dad stepped out of the courtroom, he crouched down and looked at me, I turned away quickly. I do remember his image, fading into the crowd, while I looked on. It was black and white then, I hate my dad for doing the things that he did to mum. My mum lied to me about the divorce, that my dad didn't get what he wanted. I was happy, I was lied to, I was trapped in this false sense of security. I figured that if they didn't get divorced, they would have a chance to get back together.

It wasn't until two years later that out of anger/frustration to me that she broke the news. I wasn't particularly emotional, I was trying to get my mum to stop crying.
From when I was really small, my mum had said, "你看到妈妈哭的事候,你要安慰妈妈, 叫妈妈别哭". I've always kept it in my mind. Nowadays, I don't abide by it a lot. I hate myself for it. What I have become I do not know.

Still, there are other things that I don't understand, I don't say hate, because everything she does she does it for a reason. There were pros and cons. I didn't think of anything back then, I thought my mum always makes the perfect decision. In a sense she did, in what she thought of what I should be. She however, forgot what I want myself to be. I wished I had thought through about a lot of things, maybe now I won't have all these, in my words, regrets.

My dad didn't know that I didn't know about the divorce, so I guess that everything he did was to satisfy my wants, not needs. Computer games, shoes, playing at arcades. He didn't give me money, but he always tries to make me happy, even for just that one night. For he was the "rich man" who forgot his roots, according to mum. She would always be so unhappy whenever I'm with dad. After my first lone meeting with dad after the divorce, I got home and got questioned, every single detail. She just sat there, broke out in tears, while I look dumbfounded. I thought I did something wrong.

Around the time I entered high school, my dad tried to get me to get to know his wife or in a weird way, my step mum. My mum hated her, to mum, my step mum is a vile woman, that will do anything to snatch my dad away from her. "Why don't you just go with your dad and your stepmum?" Those are the words mum says everytime I messed up. I don't have a lot of contact with her, still, I'm on my mother's side on this one. I try to stay away. My dad tells me not to say anything about me meeting my mum. Still keeping the secret, there are a lot of things that you can't say. I guess he's trying to justify to me the reason why he left mum. To me, it doesn't matter too much. Whats gone is gone...

I kind of understand why they fell out. These two people simply don't match. Both are explosive people who doesn't want to compromise for each other, no matter how much both told me they did. Still, I wanted to tell my dad. "HEY, YOU PICKED HER. LIVE WITH IT." Too late for that one already huh? A man's responsibility is a man's responsibility. Now, my dad talks to me and we discuss more about what happened then. I deserve the whole story. My mum doesn't talk about it, I have to go the other way.


Once I knew that they were divorced, I told myself this one thing, this very important one thing. I told myself that I must not ever make a girl cry. Never ever. I had seen what my mum had gone through. This should never happen to any girl that I go out with.

Yet, it did. I still do not know how it will affect my life. Its a rough ride.



Even though my parents didn't work out, I always had high hopes for love. Maybe I'm too fantasied reading all the books and watching all the movies. I was always the shy guy in class, I didn't look as handsome as other guys in class. When it comes to relationships, I just give in. Had lots of crushes, but didn't act on them in any way or form. So chances keeps slipping and slipping, when I left Singapore, there were lots of regrets.... Lots.
In a way my parents' did affect my view of relationships, but I still do believe in 一见钟情. I try to block out everything that happened, why let something of the last generation disrupt my life in the current generation? Numbing the pain perhaps, too bad it doesn't work now... As my life keeps going, I remember more and more of my life, and more of the pains....

Its a weird day to post this entry, well I guess this would be the first chapter in my life.
Looking back at this 18 years... Its been a ride. Full of ups & downs. Happy & Sad. Excited & Angry. There were a lot of people that were along the way, helping me shape who I am today. My dad and my mum.... =)

From my dad:
给儿子的信

亲爱的儿子. 今天是你的十八岁的生日. 爸爸衷心祝贺你生日快了. 小宇十八岁了. 小宇长大了. 小宇要剃胡子了. 哈哈. 以前有一句话. 嘴上没毛. 办事不牢. 但现在这个观点要改了. 现在的十八岁与我们当时的十八岁是截然不能相比的. 我回想了我的十八岁. 那是一九七三年. 我刚刚进技工学校. 学的是钳工. 应该讲钳工是技术工种里最好的. 在过去的年代里也有这么一句话. 手上有一技之长. 打遍天下都不怕. 说真的这个技术即给了我人身的第一门技术. 也给了我后面的学习打下了基础. 因为我后面的大学里学的是机诫制造. 这个基础是非常重要的. 实际上我是非常希欢这个领域的. 就是我与你讲起过的. 做自己想做的事就能成功. 既是不成功. 也不后悔. 也不枉此一生. 其实我当时学钳工时. 你的爷爷最高心. 他是一个老钳工. 一个老技师. 一个受人尊敬的技术权威. 在他厂里是一个最受人尊敬的人. 每年春节就有好多他的徒弟徒孙们前来给他拜年. 当时你爷爷讲. 我有接班人了. 可是最让终身难忘的也是这一年. 我十八岁的那一年. 你爷爷因心肌梗死离我们而去了. 我在从学校赶往你爷爷的医院时还一直带著一把我的实习课的作业. 一把郎头. 遗憾的是最终他没能看到. 回想往事确实叫我们心酸. 但又使我们看到了这个时代的进步. 你的十八与我的十八是有天壤之别. 这就是进步. 就是社会的进步. 时代的进步. 我们的小宇长大了. 前面的十八确实很成功. 也很努力. 将来的你也一定会更成功. 记住我对你的做人的最基本要求. 祝你明天会更好.

爸爸
2006年11月21日
与德国得累斯顿

ps: http://zhenyu21.ebloggy.com
my high school blog....