I would reckon that it is so hard to say whatever you feel, straight from your heart. I'm definitely not one of them. I wrote this after reading someone's blog:
Looking at someone else's life right now makes me feel like I'm looking at the reflection of myself, but more murderous and brutal. Looking at her life makes my life kiddish. Its weird how I could connect to someone that I don't even know, or talked to. It makes me want to get to know her. Or made me realize that behind the surface, there are things that she hides so deeply inside. Like me.
I don't talk to people about my parents, most people think they're happily married but working in two different countries. Only some of my closest friends know, and thats it. My mum doesn't want me to talk to people about these things. Its very uncommon in China I guess, and the year they did it makes it all seems one-of-a-kind.... in a bad way.
Some sparing memories remain, good times, bad times. When I was still small, our family would sleep together on the same bed and talk about things all night. Things changed, dad suddenly would not sleep on the same bed anymore, has his own in the dining room. He was moving up the corporate ladder, and moving away from mum and me. Then, things got out of hand. Quarrels, quarrels and more quarrels. Can't remember what they were arguing about...
Truth is, from the first day that my dad stepped out of the courtroom, he crouched down and looked at me, I turned away quickly. I do remember his image, fading into the crowd, while I looked on. It was black and white then, I hate my dad for doing the things that he did to mum. My mum lied to me about the divorce, that my dad didn't get what he wanted. I was happy, I was lied to, I was trapped in this false sense of security. I figured that if they didn't get divorced, they would have a chance to get back together.
It wasn't until two years later that out of anger/frustration to me that she broke the news. I wasn't particularly emotional, I was trying to get my mum to stop crying.
From when I was really small, my mum had said, "你看到妈妈哭的事候,你要安慰妈妈, 叫妈妈别哭". I've always kept it in my mind. Nowadays, I don't abide by it a lot. I hate myself for it. What I have become I do not know.
Still, there are other things that I don't understand, I don't say hate, because everything she does she does it for a reason. There were pros and cons. I didn't think of anything back then, I thought my mum always makes the perfect decision. In a sense she did, in what she thought of what I should be. She however, forgot what I want myself to be. I wished I had thought through about a lot of things, maybe now I won't have all these, in my words, regrets.
My dad didn't know that I didn't know about the divorce, so I guess that everything he did was to satisfy my wants, not needs. Computer games, shoes, playing at arcades. He didn't give me money, but he always tries to make me happy, even for just that one night. For he was the "rich man" who forgot his roots, according to mum. She would always be so unhappy whenever I'm with dad. After my first lone meeting with dad after the divorce, I got home and got questioned, every single detail. She just sat there, broke out in tears, while I look dumbfounded. I thought I did something wrong.
Around the time I entered high school, my dad tried to get me to get to know his wife or in a weird way, my step mum. My mum hated her, to mum, my step mum is a vile woman, that will do anything to snatch my dad away from her. "Why don't you just go with your dad and your stepmum?" Those are the words mum says everytime I messed up. I don't have a lot of contact with her, still, I'm on my mother's side on this one. I try to stay away. My dad tells me not to say anything about me meeting my mum. Still keeping the secret, there are a lot of things that you can't say. I guess he's trying to justify to me the reason why he left mum. To me, it doesn't matter too much. Whats gone is gone...
I kind of understand why they fell out. These two people simply don't match. Both are explosive people who doesn't want to compromise for each other, no matter how much both told me they did. Still, I wanted to tell my dad. "HEY, YOU PICKED HER. LIVE WITH IT." Too late for that one already huh? A man's responsibility is a man's responsibility. Now, my dad talks to me and we discuss more about what happened then. I deserve the whole story. My mum doesn't talk about it, I have to go the other way.
Once I knew that they were divorced, I told myself this one thing, this very important one thing. I told myself that I must not ever make a girl cry. Never ever. I had seen what my mum had gone through. This should never happen to any girl that I go out with.
Yet, it did. I still do not know how it will affect my life. Its a rough ride.
Even though my parents didn't work out, I always had high hopes for love. Maybe I'm too fantasied reading all the books and watching all the movies. I was always the shy guy in class, I didn't look as handsome as other guys in class. When it comes to relationships, I just give in. Had lots of crushes, but didn't act on them in any way or form. So chances keeps slipping and slipping, when I left Singapore, there were lots of regrets.... Lots.
In a way my parents' did affect my view of relationships, but I still do believe in 一见钟情. I try to block out everything that happened, why let something of the last generation disrupt my life in the current generation? Numbing the pain perhaps, too bad it doesn't work now... As my life keeps going, I remember more and more of my life, and more of the pains....
Its a weird day to post this entry, well I guess this would be the first chapter in my life.
Looking back at this 18 years... Its been a ride. Full of ups & downs. Happy & Sad. Excited & Angry. There were a lot of people that were along the way, helping me shape who I am today. My dad and my mum.... =)
From my dad:
亲爱的儿子. 今天是你的十八岁的生日. 爸爸衷心祝贺你生日快了. 小宇十八岁了. 小宇长大了. 小宇要剃胡子了. 哈哈. 以前有一句话. 嘴上没毛. 办事不牢. 但现在这个观点要改了. 现在的十八岁与我们当时的十八岁是截然不能相比的. 我回想了我的十八岁. 那是一九七三年. 我刚刚进技工学校. 学的是钳工. 应该讲钳工是技术工种里最好的. 在过去的年代里也有这么一句话. 手上有一技之长. 打遍天下都不怕. 说真的这个技术即给了我人身的第一门技术. 也给了我后面的学习打下了基础. 因为我后面的大学里学的是机诫制造. 这个基础是非常重要的. 实际上我是非常希欢这个领域的. 就是我与你讲起过的. 做自己想做的事就能成功. 既是不成功. 也不后悔. 也不枉此一生. 其实我当时学钳工时. 你的爷爷最高心. 他是一个老钳工. 一个老技师. 一个受人尊敬的技术权威. 在他厂里是一个最受人尊敬的人. 每年春节就有好多他的徒弟徒孙们前来给他拜年. 当时你爷爷讲. 我有接班人了. 可是最让终身难忘的也是这一年. 我十八岁的那一年. 你爷爷因心肌梗死离我们而去了. 我在从学校赶往你爷爷的医院时还一直带著一把我的实习课的作业. 一把郎头. 遗憾的是最终他没能看到. 回想往事确实叫我们心酸. 但又使我们看到了这个时代的进步. 你的十八与我的十八是有天壤之别. 这就是进步. 就是社会的进步. 时代的进步. 我们的小宇长大了. 前面的十八确实很成功. 也很努力. 将来的你也一定会更成功. 记住我对你的做人的最基本要求. 祝你明天会更好.
my high school blog....