I originally wrote this back in 2021. Looking back at it now, this pre-dated Past Lives (the movie) by 2 years.
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Hey, I do not know when I'll be sending this to you. We spoke about the 缘分, and all that thought on destiny and fate etc. The version that I was thinking of didn't really translate to fate, or destiny explicitly.
The 缘分 I was thinking of was more of timing or coincidence, where two people are in a phase of their lives looking for something similar. If it is at this time that they meet, that would be the the luckiest thing to happen to the both of them. That was the 缘分 that I had in mind.
I used to think very naively about love, that there would only be one. Obviously as I went through life I found it to be not true, not true. Now I'm feeling that there are multiple ones and it would just be the person that lined up.
So having that connection where we meet each other and share that time together, is 缘分.
Sitting there after enjoying bowl of ramen with a beer. They both sat there in front of the noodle bar contented.
"So... show me the photos, where's the bling bling. I know for a fact that there's always an obligatory ring picture."
The engaged one took out the phone and after searching and swiping for a bit, produced a photo of the happy couple...
"Wow the ring looks great, that's a big rock"
The picture was of them happily smiling at the camera, no doubt somewhat staged, with her hands ever so slightly raised and in front, showing off the ring.
"Yeah, remember? I told you my mom gave it to me"
"She said take this... it may not have worked out for your dad and I, but I'm confident this will work out for you"
He couldn't even finish the sentence before the other one started bawling, the not cute or pretty kind of crying. The type that you just can't stop immediately, the happiness kind.
In the restaurant. In front of the noodle kitchen.
He just kept crying... and crying.
"Oh man, that hit hard... I guess, I'm one of the ones that can relate huh"
"I'm really happy for you, congratulations! You finally did it"
He said... all the while trying to control himself and not make a scene.
“But the the truth I learned here is, you had to leave because you’re you
And the reason I liked you is because you’re you,
And who you are is someone who leaves
…
To Arthur, you’re someone who stayed”
"The Na Young you remember doesn’t exist here
But that little girl did exist, she’s not sitting here in front of you, but it doesn’t mean she’s not real
Twenty years ago, I left her behind with you”
- Past Lives, 2023
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I've watched this movie twice in 2 days. I couldn't get it out of my head after the first watch.
I manage to find a CAM cut and updated the quotes above, would like to look at another scene that stood out me.
Directors' choice to focus on wide shots which follows the conversation in Nora & Hae Sung's scenes vs. static shots with the Arthur & Hae Sung.
This film asks: do you have any regrets, and how do you make peace with said regrets.
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It's giving me an answer that challenges what I am or what I believe in. I don't think this is losing myself, but a perspective shift that eternity is well... not what it's cracked up to be.
This film reminds me of a more "moving" (in both pun and non-pun) versions of Kogonada's Columbus, and I'm all for it.
Standing there in the room where the crowd had almost cleared up after an event.
She recounted the troubles of trying to work through their differences, efforts. What he said, what she said, what he did, what she did, what he didn't do...
At first, she was still smiling, words laced with anger, sarcasms abound.
"I'm done".
She said that with such confidence you almost believed her.
"So what's the plan then, with the kids?"
The smile faded. Her brows furrowed. She took a deep breath, looked away.
I finished "Women in Tapei" (台湾女子图鉴) in December. There was a character in the earlier episodes, when the main character first got to Taiwan. She met a young man who is the owner of a beef noodle shop, and they started dating.
She however in the next episode, decided that she didn't want this, as the man was content with being a beef noodle shop owner for the rest of his life. This was therefore her "life" if she chose it.
She left him a note, “你很好，我们不合适，我们要的不一样” (You're great, we're not compatible, we don't want the same thing). After that, she had an internal dialogue “对不起，我想要的更多” (I'm sorry, I want more). More than what he can offer.
It's exhausting as all hell and extremely taxing on myself. Moving while during a pandemic doubles that exhaustion. I do appreciate the help that I’ve gotten from friends and family. Though I’ll definitely be looking at movers if I’d ever do it again.
I’m still picking up the pieces of this new place. These last couple of months were me going through and reporting issues with the place. Then waiting for the tradesmen to come and fix these issues. After months of fixing, I finally can say now that I’ve moved in.
Just don’t ask me about the furniture just yet, it’s definitely not complete.
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I’m glad I moved. There were issues surrounding the place that I used to occupy, some physical, but more so realizing that it’s never complete to move (on) without moving. Memories, or the fact that I stare out that window and realize that some buildings at the balcony I’d never want to see again.
Realistically, the biggest thing going for it was that it was dirt cheap and came with the parking spot. I was thankful for it, but eventually the cons outgrew the pros.
I needed to get out of there.
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Getting hit by a car wasn’t really on my to-do-list this year, yet I did check it off. I certainly didn’t want it to happen, and realizing the limitations of the insurance system made me shake my head in disgust. Note: you don’t have more protection as a pedestrian vs being in a car-to-car accident. The protections are the same, it’s infuriating.
I stopped my Instagram this year. Truth is, I didn't want to check up on people. I keep thinking if this is me running away in the umpteenth time. Yet, I know, if I didn't stop... the anxiety will creep up again.
This year, the first half of the year, I experienced insomnia for the second time. It was sobering, I honestly didn't think I would be suffering from that level of anxiety, all over well... things. First time was I had an interview the next day back when I first started looking for jobs.
This time though, it was completely different, I couldn't sleep for 2 days. I was getting worried, friends were getting worried.
[ When I told you I didn't experience the anxiety, I truthfully didn't. It did come quickly after. ]
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For the next couple of months, I did a lot of mental exercises and focusing on the meditation, and reading up on books.
Specifically, the book on attachment theory was a great wake up call. Learnt a lot about the different stages and perspectives on people. Learnt about why people are the way they are, the cyclical cycle of avoidants and anxious personalities. What was toxic and what needed to be different.
Subreddits helped, looking at other people going through the same thing. It is helpful to know that you’re not alone.
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“But you have to let the people you love know that you love them, even if it causes you a great deal of pain.”
When he walked past them, their backs were turned against each other on the bench.
It was as if they were talking to imaginary people on either side.
They weren’t talking, yet their expressions said everything.
He sat down near them, purely out of necessity. There weren’t any other available benches to sit on. All of them were taken up by people wanting to enjoy the sun out. He needed somewhere to sit down and enjoy his bubble tea on the lake.
They turned to face each other. The boy started to communicate, to talk. More than his words his palms were open, waving ever so slightly. The girl listened, a pained expression on her.
They were briefly interrupted by the commotion caused by one of the units with the low balcony nearby. Seems like everyone has invited everyone to come enjoy the weekend.
Minutes later, the girl rested her head on the boys shoulder.
The boy wiped something from the corner of his eye.
He got up and walked past them again, both of their eyes were red.
Father's Day wasn't something that was in my lexicon for the longest time when I was young. These days it carries a little more weight, though it's not official celebrated.
There are two songs that remind me of dads in general. 1 in English, 1 in Chinese.
This song is in the perspective of a father giving his son some advice.
I actually heard it first in Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2, at the end.
Guardians Vol. 2 deals with family and what it means to be family. Lindsay Ellis has a great video essay here.
I couldn't really focus at the song at the end with my initial viewing, but the scene with the song was always very moving. As with the original soundtrack, I bought it and started listening to it.
Then again, this song never really got to me until more recently, after I talked more with my dad.
I think it's always going to be a complex relationship with fathers, be it the ones that are present, or the ones that aren't there.
“How can I try to explain? 'Cause when I do, he turns away again It's always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away I know, I have to go”
“Reminiscing is actually not the theme of this song I believe it's not just me that find recollections draining Between two men, it's extremely likely that the only thing you share is that you look alike Lucky ones become confidants, unlucky ones are mere passersby”
I'm trying to be honest with my happiness Don't know why I'm bad at this, uh
And I don't wanna sit in all my sadness I know it's a habit of mine
我试图坦诚面对我的幸福
不知道为何这么难
而我不想一直沉迷于我的忧伤里
我知道这是我的嗜好
Perfect, perfect timing
I start what I don't know how to end
Don't re-, don't remind me I ruined it before it began, oh
完美，完美时机
我开始了但我不知道如何结束
别再，别再提醒我
我在它开始前就把它搞砸了
Last night was the last night of my past life Got me here like you could never figure me out Last night was the last time, was the last time I never let you figure me out Sitting here, talking to myself Thinking how I used to use you Only thing I'm used to Last night was the last time, was the last time, woah
昨晚是我前生的最后一夜
你对我琢磨不清
昨晚是最后一次，是最后一次
我不会让你看清我的
坐在这里，自言自语
回想起我是如何利用你
是我唯一习惯的相处方式
昨晚是最后一次，是最后一次
Gave me what I wanted when I needed it Honestly, I mean it
And if I could convince myself to feel it You know I would feel it, I would
Wait, is there still light out? He looked at his watch, 8:30, there's still time perhaps.
Updating his destination, he started driving.
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It was already very dark when he got there, almost.
He walked up the hill, he didn't expect there to be the overgrown trees, though to be fair the last time he was here was in winter.
At the spot where he took the last picture, this time there's more people, with drinks and music.
He misses the peace and quiet, but definitely not the cold.
Still, he found a spot and sat down.
He had missed it. Though the city lights are starting to make up for it, a different scene than what he expected to see.
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Walking back down the hill, some mini fireworks started from up top. Seems like the people are compensating for the lack of real fireworks. The sound reflects from across the valley, seemingly doubling the amount that's actually there.
I can see you standing, honey With his arms around your body Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all And it took you five whole minutes To pack us up and leave me with it Holdin' all this love out here in the hall
亲爱的，我看的见你站在那里
他的手搂在你身上
笑着跟本不好笑的笑话
你只花了五分钟的时间
结束了我们，留下我一个人
在走廊里守护这余温 ____________________
I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before
Like he's just your understudy Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me Second, third, and hundredth chances Balancin' on breaking branches Those eyes add insult to injury
亲爱的，我看你在盯着我们
好像他只是你的替补
好像你要为我把他打的遍体凌伤
一次又一次的机会
在断开的树枝上平衡
你现在的眼神只是雪上加霜
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I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending I'm not your problem anymore So who am I offending now You were my crown Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leavin' out the side door
So step right out, there is no amount Of crying I can do for you All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out(You didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign(I gave so many signs)
走就走吧，我没有办法 为你哭泣 一直以来 我们总是忐忑不定
要你听我说都不愿意（你连听都不愿意）
你从来没给我警示（我暗示了好多次）
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All this time I never learned to read your mind(Never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around(You never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign(I gave so many signs) So many signs, so many signs You didn't even see the signs
Chase two girls, lose the one When you are young, they assume you know nothin'
若都是朋友就是没有知己 脚踏两船，得不到唯一 当你年轻时，他们都觉得你什么都不懂
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But I knew you Playing hide-and-seek and giving me your weekends, I I knew you Your heartbeat on the high line, once in 20 lifetimes, I
但我懂你 一起玩捉迷藏，于我共度每个周末 我懂你 你的心从未如此悸动，是20个来生里第一次
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To kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'
其实我们只求于在车里，酒吧里接吻 你曾在我的伤疤周围点缀闪亮星星 如今我却还是心如刀割
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'Cause I knew you Steppin' on the last train, Marked me like a bloodstain, I I knew you Tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy, I I knew you Leavin' like a father, running like water, I And when you are young, they assume you know nothing
But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time Chasin' shadows in the grocery line I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standin' in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me You'd come back to me And you'd come back to me And you'd come back
And when I felt like I was an old cardigan Under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite
当我觉得自己是一件被人遗忘的旧毛衣 堆积在某人的床底下 你将我穿上，说我是的你的最爱
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"Peter losing Wendy" refers to the story of Peter Pan.
I took some liberties at "Leavin' like a father, running like water" and pegged it to be of tears running, I've seen some versions where it refers to the father running away faster with the water.
I have never heard of Ashe until this song came on as part of YouTube's recommendation.
The lyrics are so personal that I was wondering if it was personal experience.
Turns out it was.
I'm not going to repeat what the video at the end is going to tell you, but this talks a lot about her journey and how she came about to write this song about her ex-husband.
Moral of the Story - Ashe
This song is produced by FINNEAS, as in, Billie Eilish's brother.
Side note: I've been identifying music producers/song writers that I vibe with, him and Ryan Tedder seem to be my jam.
Released on Valentine's Day 2019, it got mainstream only when the 2nd film in the "To All the Boys" trilogy featured it... one year later. I only watched the clip at which it was featured, I laughed, I think it's too young for the situation that this track is talking about.
A duet version with One Direction-er Niall Horan was released in June 2020, the 2nd verse is changed from the personal story about painting houses to something more contemporary.
I moved this song into the playlist I made for acceptance.
"Some mistakes get made
that's alright, that's okay
in the end it's better for me,
that's the moral of the story"
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I like to think that with her new duet with FINNEAS "Till Forever Falls Apart", she's moved on to a more optimistic portion of her life.
After I saw Minari, I told someone that I found it "generic".
I would like to take that statement back.
Minari is a 2020 film starring Steven Yuen, Han Ye-ri, Alan Kim, Noel Kate Cho, Youn Yuh-jung.
A Korean family that moved to Arkansas from California to start a new life, along with their daughter and son.
I see a dad trying his hardest to make something of himself. To have a new start. I see a mother trying desperately to keep their children safe and well. The clashes and fights that happen because of this. Hard to say, if there weren't any kids in the picture, if they would still be together.
I see a child trying to wrestle with his health, his bed wetting and his new grandma that came into his house.
It won "Best Picture - Foreign" at the Golden Globes.
Is it foreign because of the language that they were talking in?
Is it foreign because it features an Asian cast?
Detailing their trials and tribulations, their fight for the American Dream. Is that foreign?
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I found it generic... because I've seen it, I've heard it, hell, I lived through some of it.
Being so happy to the point of crying because of chilli powder? Been there with salt water popsicles. True story, I happily drove to a supermarket super out of the way to get that. Paid like 5x the cost. Best time ever.
A lot of the stand ups that feature immigrant comedians already covered these scenarios a lot. In my mind, I thought it was already well known. I realized then, perhaps the same as what I said in my writeup of The Farewell, people who understood the situation laughed because they could relate, people who didn't understand laughed because the situation described was just plain absurd to them.
What I realized... is that we downplay a lot of the experiences that we went through. We downplay them because people:
won't understand
can't relate
treat any experience that's out of the norm as foreign (and in turn weird, if not hostile)
The events of this week, the spa shootings and the subsequent coverage of said shootings, tells me that representation matters.
It's great that Minari is here this year, just as The Farewell was there 2 years ago. Stories, that are told, and shared, most importantly, recognized.
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Minari is also a vegetable that's also used in Korean cooking. Known for its resiliency, and its ability to adapt and grow.
Fitting that it is worked into the film and used as the title.
He was crossing the road, warm day, picking up some groceries.
He saw her. Though, she looked disheveled, unsure of her surroundings. Not going to lie, he thought she was one of the homeless wanting some change.
Unconscious biases can be tricky to dismantle, as he walked past she reached out to him, trying to flag him down.
In that moment, he stopped playing his music.
"Hi, can you help me take a picture?"
"A picture?"
"Yes, a picture with my cake".
She started moving towards her belongings, among them a cake bought at the local grocery store.
"Sure, of course."
She gestured to give him the phone. He thought about the pandemic and how this person was an unknown... then he saw the words on the cake. It read... "Happy birthday"
"Yes I just want a picture with my cake, it's my birthday."
"It's your birthday? Wow, happy birthday!"
"Yes, can you please take a picture with me and the cake in it? Please make sure to get the words on the cake."
"Absolutely"
Fidgeting around with the phone, he took multiple pictures of her with the cake, making sure that she had copies in both portrait and landscape.
"Well, I did what I could." He hands her the phone back.
"Thank you so much."
"Happy birthday again!" He walks away smiling to her, then sighed.
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If it wasn't for the current circumstances... would she have been standing alone in the street, asking a random stranger to take a photo of her with her cake?