Travelling

He flew constantly to meet her.

In these long distance relationships, maybe each of them enjoys the freedom of being free.
Then the feeling of being wanted is amplified in the moment that they are together.

Yet, in the spirit of being free, some things get lost no matter what.

Complications. Betrayal. Things get tossed, arguments.

Yet, even till now, he says he can't bear to listen to music that they enjoy together.

"I have it in my phone like right now." He taps his phone that's on the table, to make his point.

"I just can't press the play button, I can't listen to it. It reminds me too much."

I nodded. I didn't have any words to offer him. Stuck, it seems.

Dessert

He has never been good at cooking.

Learnt a new recipe, he decided to try to make it again himself.

He bought mascarpone, he bought eggs, he got the kahlua, he has the savoiardi.

What the fudge is mascarpone, he thought to himself. Well he bought it.

Taking out the hand blender from behind the cupboard, to be honest he has not used it ever before. Though, he sure as shit am not going to beat the eggs by hand.

Combining ingredients, he carefully layers on all of the items.

The one thing he did not take into account. The eggs were almost expired.

Oh no, he messed up. He messed up big time.

He found another recipe sometime later.
It was different enough to give him hope. The best part of it all, no eggs.

He thought he did a good job. He was still afraid though.
That kind of reputation hit, not sure it can be rebuilt. He offered, but to no avail.

Recounting now, he smiles to himself, what a klutz.

Haha. Let's stick to professionally prepared foods from now on.

Convenience?

He has been with her for a long time.

He wonders if they were meant to continue.

He came from the East, and her from the West.
One grew up with cha-siu, the other pasta all the way.

They both made compromises to stay with each other.

Is it just convenience that they are together?

In passing amidst the conversation, he said: "I really like her".

"Don't you mean love?"

He stopped talking, looked directly at me, realizing what he just said.
Might have stopped breathing too.

Maybe it is pride, or insecurities, not being able to say the L word out loud.
Keeping the emotions in, keeping it in check.

He did not respond directly.

"I think you do. I got a good feeling about you two."

He exhales, and nods.

______

Shuffle has a way of finding songs from my library that I forgot. Today is one of those days, it played multiple songs from a while back that I added, thought they were great, but never really thought about it.

It has been a busy, tiring and frustrating week.

Dream

The recurring dream.

He wonders if it was lack of sleep that he has been experiencing.
Regardless, he wakes up around the same time every day. Too early.

It would always be in the same scenario. A housewarming, surrounded by family and friends, coworkers. Laughing.

It's peaceful, the afternoon sunset glows through the windows. It's pretty.

He wakes up with a smile on his face.

The peacefulness is fleeting.
His smile stops, he tries to go back to sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not.

.....

Amidst the party that was going on, sitting on their newly bought couch:
He asked
"Are you sure you want to get off the express train?
Even if you get off, there would be nothing but dessert.
Would you walk on dessert?"

"I will"

________


I need to find a time to watch The Farewell again.

65 of 88

I went to see The Farewell yesterday.

I first heard about this movie during the press tour of Crazy Rich Asians. Awkwafina was expressing that the Asian representation in Hollywood movies was growing, and that she was starring in a more personal story.

If you did click through the trailer, you'll have the gist of what this story is. Whether or not you relate to it personally is of course a separate discussion.

For me well, it was hard to sit through sometimes. It was ... too real.

The story did not answer whether or not the lie was good, but instead focused on everybody's reaction and action to it. The answer ultimately is up to you. Is it good to keep a lie going for the sake of them being happy? Or should the person know and prepare for the eventuality? I'm not going to spoil the ending, but it did go one way over the other.

There was one part that stood out to me, and part of it is in the trailer. The difference between East and West.

What was not in the trailer... the idea that telling her will just shift the guilt and responsibility to Grandma, that she is now facing her own mortality. A lot of Asian families will choose to carry that guilt as a whole, preferring not to tell Grandma, and shoulder the responsibility together as a unit.

There is a saying in Chinese 报喜不报忧. Loosely translates to "report happiness but not sorrow". You can not only see that in this movie as a whole to grandma, but even little things. Even as the main character's failing in life, she doesn't tell Dad that things are not going well, she can't afford the rent.

The subsequent viewings gave me some more perspective. Actually I noticed an interesting dichotomy in the audience. There is a set of people who would take a particular scene at face value, and laugh at the awkwardness of the situation. The other set would initially chuckle, but quickly quiet down. It seemed to me that the second group of people understand that while the situation looks ridiculous, they did find some particular point of connection.

If it is not abundantly clear haha, I highly recommend people to see it.

In any case that you don't intend to see the movie but are interested to know what happens.
This is the episode of This American Life where writer and director of "The Farewell" Lulu Wang recounts the actual story:
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/585/in-defense-of-ignorance

________

Love 爱. Family 家庭. Responsibility 责任. Conviction 执着.

I did not know when responsibility came around.
I was driven, blindly. I missed a lot of things, I glossed over a lot of things.

It is apt then, when I did open today's piece of paper:

65:
"Building blocks of Andy's Life"

- "Family"


Damn it. Got me again.